Dear Iris,

I received a Facebook message yesterday from my cousin’s 19 year old daughter asking if she could live with us for six months until “her new life started”. My cousin adopted her and her two sisters ten years ago. This girl has always had problems with stealing, lying, and keeping friends. My cousin asked her to move out after her high school graduation. She moved in with my Aunt and her bed ridden husband. She said she can’t live there anymore. The five of us live in a small 3 bedroom house with one bathroom. I don’t have space and I can’t help but worry about my kids and what her shenanigans would bring to my household. How do I decline nicely and offer her somewhere else to turn and do I call my cousin?

~Concerned Cousin

Dear Concerned Cousin,

Your desire to help speaks volumes about your compassion. However, it’s important to balance your willingness to assist with protecting your own family’s well-being. Start by asking yourself these key questions:

Will this decision pull me away from focusing on the well-being of my own family?

Do I have the resources—emotionally, financially, and physically—to support someone else?

If I cannot provide shelter, what can I offer? Time, guidance, or mentorship?

It’s clear that bringing her into your home would strain your family dynamic. With that understanding, you can lovingly yet firmly let her know that while you cannot provide housing, you are willing to support her in other meaningful ways. Be direct but kind. There’s no need to justify your decision with a list of reasons, as that may invite debate. Simply state your boundary and move forward.

You should also inform your cousin about her daughter’s request. Regardless of the circumstances, your cousin is still her mother and is ultimately responsible for her daughter’s welfare. This conversation isn’t about finding a solution for your cousin’s daughter but about keeping her informed.

Offering the Gift of Guidance - While you can’t house her, you can make a profound impact by becoming a mentor. At 19, she’s at a pivotal point in her life and could greatly benefit from having a stable, positive role model. Here are practical ways to mentor her:

Regular Check-ins: Schedule weekly or biweekly calls or coffee chats where she can share her thoughts and goals.

Share Skills: Teach her practical skills like budgeting, job searching, or meal planning.

Lead by Example: Let her observe the love, structure, and stability in your own life. Actions often speak louder than words.

Avoid lecturing, as few 19-year-olds respond well to that approach. Instead, focus on listening, guiding, and modeling the values of integrity, responsibility, and kindness.

Remember, a roof over her head is just a temporary solution; a strong foundation of mentorship and guidance will serve her for a lifetime. You can’t change her past, but you can help her see a brighter future.

Best of luck,

Iris ✍︎