DEAR IRIS

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SUNDAY - MARCH 8, 2026



Dear Iris, 


I received a Facebook message yesterday from my cousin’s nineteen-year-old daughter asking if she could live with us for six months until “her new life started.” My cousin adopted her and her two sisters about ten years ago. This particular girl has struggled for years with stealing, lying, and keeping friends.


My cousin asked her to move out after high school graduation. She moved in with my aunt and her bedridden husband but now says she cannot stay there any longer.


My husband, our children, and I live in a small three-bedroom house with one bathroom. I truly do not have the space, and I worry about what her behavior could bring into our home.


How do I decline kindly while still offering her somewhere else to turn? And should I call my cousin?


Concerned Cousin

Dear Concerned Cousin,


Your instinct to help speaks well of you. Family ties pull hard, especially when a young person appears to be drifting.


But a woman’s first duty is to the household already under her roof.


Five people in a small three-bedroom home with one bathroom is already a full house. Bringing in a nineteen-year-old with a history of dishonesty and instability would place a strain on your family, your marriage, and your children’s sense of security. That is not a small matter.


You are allowed to say no.


When you answer her message, keep it brief and kind. Tell her you care about her and want her to succeed, but that you cannot offer housing right now. Long explanations tend to invite argument or negotiation. A short, clear sentence delivered with warmth works better.


You can still extend help in other forms.


At nineteen, she most needs structure and steady direction. Offer to talk with her about next steps. Looking for steady work, exploring job training, or finding safe, affordable housing like a rented room, shared apartment, or young-adult programs. Sometimes what a young person lacks most is someone calm and consistent to help her think straight about her choices.


You should also let your cousin know her daughter reached out. Whatever led to the move-out, your cousin is still her mother. Keeping her in the loop is the responsible path.


There is a difference between compassion and rescue. Compassion gives guidance, encouragement, and a steady hand. Rescue brings someone else’s storm inside your own walls.


Your children deserve a calm, predictable home. Guarding that is not selfish. It is part of the quiet work of keeping a household whole.


If you feel willing, you might add that she can call you now and then for advice or practical suggestions as she gets on her feet. A young woman who has missed steady guidance often gains more from an older relative who speaks plainly and stays consistent than from a temporary bed.


You cannot rewrite her past. But a calm, truthful voice pointing her toward better choices can matter more than any spare room ever could.


Steadily yours,

Iris ✍︎




[Updated 2026 | Originally published 2014]

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There are seasons in life when the heart feels certain, and others when it feels tangled. You may be standing at a crossroads in marriage. You may be carrying a private disappointment. You may simply need someone steady to help you sort through what you already know but cannot quite name.

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